The Psychology of Bangs

So you want bangs? You spent half of third grade getting rid of them, flopping them back against your scalp while resembling a toothless shetland pony in your soccer photos of '98 (go glaciers!) and now you want them back? You adult toothed fool.

You're still convinced, so instead of dealing with the idea of maybe like telling So&So how you really feel about him or getting your ass to the financial aid office you will deal with this other life altering event. Other girls with bangs are cool! They look mysterious and edgy and maybe with bangs you will master the art of liquid eye liner. Go for it, whatever but don't be alarmed if you experience the following emotions or sensations...

Phase 1: Oh My God, this is way too fucking short, I look like a pony.

Phase 2:  Hey, I look kinda cool in my rearview mirror. Buying cigarettes after the haircut you are convinced people are looking at you differently in like a, "I totally want to bone her" way.

Phase 3:  Looking in the mirror the next morning, they (the bangs) are sticking up in all kinds of directions and that eyeliner you were vainly playing with before you went to bed last night has taken permanent residence in your eye sockets. You think you look like that guy from The Cure, and you're totally right.

Phase 4: Welts bubble and hiss as you remove the straightening iron from your forehead. (WHY HAVE I BEEN SO STUPID TO GET THESE???? ALL THEY DO IS POOF UPPPPP) *Sob*

Phase 5: Ask all your friends if they like your bangs, they all say they're cool but you're not convinced so you start asking everyone including the guy making your sandwich at Subway.

Phase 6: They begin to grow out and you two are learning to co-exist. You and your bangs are at a party one night and someone you haven't seen in a while compliments you, you are so flattered you get drunk in hopes some boy might talk to you.

Phase 7: Eyes are too achey to put contacts in the night after puking and you wear your glasses. Your bangs and your glasses are like Genghis Kahn and Napoleon on a mission to take over your face. OMG you don't even have a face, who the hell ARE you? Zorro?

Phase 8: You feel ok just disappointed, after all, you thought these bangs were going to open all kinds of new doors for you and you STILL have no clue about eye make-up. But your bangs are kinda cool, in fact, you might even be kinda cool.

Phase 9: You didn't join a band, or become cuter or smarter-er but you've gotten better at not burning your head and they're growing out.

Phase 10: You begin to contemplate putting feathers in your hair, now THAT will change your outlook on life.