Summer Reading

     Only once did I get sent to sleep away summer camp, on a biking trip through Vermont with my best friend who, after about three days of close proximity, I decided to never speak to again. Except I did, a day later and this pattern continued throughout the trip the only thing to distract us from the pouring rain, the what seemed like 90 degree inclines, and that weird girl who at the tender age of 13 was already donning a thong.  I wasn't prepared for the social aspect of SUMMER CAMP nor the amazing combinations of curses that would boil over as I begged god to strike me down right there on Mt. Terrible. No lie, we biked up a mountain named Mount Terrible.
     In later years I've gotten a better grip as to what proper summer activities are and they include: leaving your house only under the cover of darkness and: moving as little as possible. Daytime activities are pretty much limited to T.V., eating, and book reading. You can't eat too much you don't want to be that girl who got fat over summer. You can't watch too much T.V. because you'll get cancer and/or bad ideas if you watch a marathon of Killers: And the Women Who Love Them. The only safe bet is reading it's entertaining and it's retro. In case you haven't heard all the kids are going retro these days and putting feathers in their hair. Anyways, here are some of my summer time favorites I like to revisit.

You can spend ALL your summers reading this.
But seriously, beautiful novel.

 Nobody thinks like Kelly Link. So weird, so wonderful.

J.D. Salinger wishes he could write like DBC Pierre.

Angsty graphic novel about a friendship falling apart.

Esther Greenwood spent her summer vacation trying to kill herself.

Experience the dangers of love,
red heads, and pyramids.

Futures I Might've Had Come Like A Breath From the Tomb

Here is a list of how I thought my life could've turned out, a life full of fun, prosperity, and self-enlightenment.

Age 3: I can live outdoors always with Winnie the Pooh except I'll always hang out with Tigger because he's cool and can bounce really high. He also takes care of Piglet, who let's face it would totally get picked on if Tigger wasn't around. My babysitter Harriet can make us snacks and knit us things when it gets cold.

Age 7: I will win a trip to hang out with the Spice Girls. Baby Spice will die tragically in a plat-form shoe accident. While we mourn her death, the other spices will discover that I have singing and dancing skills and I'll become the new Baby. Everyone will love me and that swing set in the tour bus will be MINE.

Age 11: I will grow up, learn to play an instrument, have cute short red hair which I'll wear butterfly barrettes in. I'll become famous somehow and those bitches that won't let me sit on the bus with them will rue the day. While I'm out being SUCCESSFUL and well-liked, even loved they might develop that condition where they loose all their hair or maybe their houses will become infested with rats and the rats will chew it off along with some limbs.

Age 15: I will go to college, a really lovely one full of trees and brick buildings built before 1940. I'll read lots of books and wear lots of flattering sweaters. There will be a boy also wearing a flattering sweater in the library reading On the Road who will look up and we'll lock eyes. He will be mesmerized by my intellect and quiet beauty, we will travel the world together.

None of these things happened, the Spice Girls broke up, Harriet retired to Florida, and that boy doesn't and will never exist. I do own a couple of sweaters, however.

You Bring Out the Worst In Your Mother

Happy Mother's Day!!! Hope you and your maternal figure are as functional as this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpNKFq3L900


"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness"...

Joan Crawford: Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? DID YOU?

Christina Crawford: Yes, Mommie.

Joan Crawford: Yes, Mommie what?

Christina Crawford: Yes, Mommie Dearest.

Joan Crawford: When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it.

-Mommie Dearest

               "Oh PUH-LEASE, everything I've said about you can be covered up with make up and a lie about a thyroid problem!"

-Lucielle Bluth from Arrested Development

"Do you think life is all sunshine, singing and colors when you grow up? I should say not. You are bad. You are spoiled rotten. You better learn quick."

-Hattie, the mother of Sybil

I am bad, I am spoiled rotten, I kinda hate you but I will buy you flowers once a year.