I Saw It on the Jesus Channel (so it must be true)

   Guys, live it up on Cinco De Mayo because it might just be the last damn taco you're allowed to enjoy. On May 21st of next month Jesus is coming to town to judge all of us (how rude). There will be five months of torture and then the world will end on October 21st. He knows when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake, he's knows if we've been good, and most certainly when we've been bad. There are some questions that come to mind, how is Jesus arriving? Should we send a car to Newark Airport to pick him up? Or can Jesus fly on his own, wingless? And judgment day, how does that work? Is he going to interview all of us individually?

Jesus: So who are you?

Me: Well, astrologically, I'm a Libra the scales you know, into balance so that defines me as kind of an idealist, a romantic which I guess is true although in this day and age the idea of love is so confusing. I thought I was in love once and maybe I was, but how do you know? I mean, think about how many oth..

Jesus: No, your name.

Me: Oh, Liz.

Jesus: Were you baptized?

Me: Oh yeah Protestant, although I have to be honest I never actually attended church. I mean I DO consider myself spiritual just not religious you know? I think just being outside and enjoying nature and people and life in general is enough to, you know...hey have you read Walt Whitman?

Jesus: No (scribbles on some holy notebook paper in Latin maybe?) Your facebook says you're an Atheist, is that true?

Me: Well, a skeptical Atheist? Ok you have to see it from my perspective, in second grade we put an ice cube on a plate in the morning it was gone that's how we learned about evaporation. You see that was easy to believe and understand, if you wanted you could watch that ice cube all night no tooth fairy or Santa Claus was going to take it. You could watch as that ice cube got smaller and smaller turning to liquid and then vapor. Hard evidence I guess is what I'm talking about, in my lifetime there's been no falsifiable hypothesis regarding your existence.

Jesus: And this earth, your body, your experiences are not evidence enough?

Me: I guess not? I see your point, no offense but my idea of God was more like the atom bomb. An artist's paint on canvas, a creation take it or leave it. Well I'll be frank, I never really expected to have a face to face conversation with God or any of his relatives. Does God have relations other than you I mean?

Jesus: (ignoring the question) What does the word "faith" mean to you?

Me: Faith, I have faith I'll wake up in the morning, have to pee, my breath will stink from what I ate the night before...no I guess that's not faith. Can you seriously expect a person to have faith with gas prices this high?

Jesus: (grunts) And where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: New Mexico with lots of dogs and horses but I guess that's up in the air because you know (gestures towards Jesus)

Bunny Appreciation Day

   Personally, my favorite holidays are ones that involve candy. Now I'm not exactly sure how the crucifixion and the rise of Jesus eventually led to a really rad bunny hiding candy, it's probably an incident of misinterpreting the message. "Thou shalt not kill, chocolate makes people happy and fat so stuff yer face," I'm only guessing this as my faithful internet only yields freaky religious blogs that also put down Santa when asked this question. We live in a Godless nation but I can get over that and simply because chocolate eggs are THAT good and bunnies are THAT cute.
   So to celebrate Easter and spring for that matter, I recommend one novel and two series that will make you think next time you see a cute little cotton-tailed behind darting into the woods or sitting in a box in a dark movie theater.

Watership Down by Richard Adams

   This is basically the history of rabbits containing rabbit folklore and religion. A small little rabbit named Fiver receives a premonition that the home they live in is no longer safe. This is a tale of great adventure and heroic deeds. You will cry, laugh, and come away from this novel understanding so much more about digging tunnels.

Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter

   What kind of person would I be if I didn't mention this one? I owe so much to Peter and his mother Mrs. Josephine Rabbit and I can't forget his sisters Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail.

Bunnicula by James Howe

   A series that is appropriate for both Easter and Halloween! Told from the perspective of a dog named Harold who shares his house with a cat named Chester and humans that go by the last name Monroe. Found in a dark theater playing "Dracula" Bunnicula is a vampire rabbit who sucks the juice out of vegetables leaving them quite white and dead. An absolute thriller.

No Money? No Problem!

Ok, so many of  us are strapped for cash these days. Some of us have illegitimate children, some of us just had our car towed (thanks Brooklyn!), car insurance, rent, ad boredom ad nausea. But boy if you google "what to do when you have no money" some great ideas from the greatest minds will grace your little lap top screen!


"I like to walk around the lakes and play raquetball. It gets my agressions out and its a great workout. I also like to go bowling. It's cheap and also a good workout. I have two neices and two nephews  so when I go home I chase them around for  hours outside. I just like to play" 


...says one gentile user on the CollegeNET forum. He might find that that lining his nieces and nephews against a wall and pegging them with little rubber balls will better soothe this aggressive spirit and at the same time will instill  in his younger relatives  a lesson that gets harder to accept with age: life is cruel. It's also a great workout.


"this is such a cute topic! it is true that you don't have to spend a lot to have fun. I especially like window shopping at the mall or downtown. Did you know you actually walk a mile without noticing at a mall? it is good exercise! i like taking walks at the lagoon near my school, its such a good place to take pictures or just relax. there is even a place to have a picnic! ALL free!"


I also like window shopping and listlessly walking through the mall lost, wondering why all American Apparel models look like 13 year olds aspiring to be anorexic porn stars. It's like the chicken or the egg, are they aspiring 13 year old sluts or ARE they already 20 year old NYU kids into blow?


"I love to take pictures. Im really into photography and currently Im making a scrapboook of my boyfriends kids...its been real fun but the scrapbooking gets expensive when you first have to buy the stuff digital pictures are not that expensive. I got walmart and can print about 75 pictures for about 14 bucks..its great"


but see while you're supporting your boyfriends kids (seriously you're THAT into them? whatever), while you're developing film at Walmart you're exploiting other small children who work for pennies a day so when  your boy comes home from banging whoever he can peruse through your scrapbooks.  



"Not to sound too pathetic, but, I’m not from here so I really can’t say that I have any friends here. So I can’t go to McD’s and share a fry (actually I’ve never eaten there, I’d go to Chipotle instead). Anyway, you get my point… The people at my college that I’ve met all have families and they are busy with them.

NO MONEY
No friends in Minnesota
Too cold to go to a snow covered park
Anything free to do in Minnesota?
As for outdoor sports in the winter, that's not for me. 
I think that the mall would get old real quick, going by myself, besides it takes gas to get there. 
I’m in a real pickle, financially. I’ve never been so unstable before in my life, financially. 
I’m just about to lose my mind going stir crazy in the house. 
At least I’ve got ktu.com via the internet:)"



No wonder it sounds like you want to kill yourself,  you're only joy in life is ktu.com. You're in Minnesota, go stalk (and stalking is totally free!) the members of Doomtree, Atmosphere, and Brother Ali. I'll spot you for your Chipotle after we talk about how great hip hop is. One veggie taco only, I too have no money. 

Vegan Lima Bean and Chipotle Soup!

Cinco de Mayo is approaching so don your sombreros, purchase a mule and try out this recipe. This is probably one of the most delicious things I've eaten in a while. I got this recipe out of a cookbook by Heidi Swanson. Hers is vegetarian but I switched out ingredients to make it animal product free. This is a fast meal to make with very little ingredients that are easy to find. Serve with chips and salsa or with black beans and some melted soy cheddar cheese, or both!

Serves: 4-6
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 20-40 minutes

Ingredients:
10 cups of water
1 pound of lima beans (dry or frozen)
1 yellow onion
1 head of garlic
1 lime
1-2 chipotle peppers*
2-4 teaspoons of adobo sauce *
1 teaspoon of sea-salt
2 tablespoons of earth balance butter (or any dairy free butter just check the label)

*I didn't know this but the brand Goya has chipotle peppers canned in adobo sauce which you can find in most grocery stores.

What To Do:
1. If you're using dry lima beans put them in boiling water and have them cook for 30-40 minutes. If you are using frozen lima beans skip to step  two  for now.

2. Separate the cloves of garlic and discard the outer peels and cut the tips off  the cloves. Throw the cloves  in with their peels (it's weird but just do it!) and have the garlic  and lima beans cook together.

3. While that is boiling, dice the onion, if you're using a large mayan sweet onion you can probably get away with using only half. In a skillet, add the butter and let it melt before adding the onions. Add the chipotle peppers and the adobo sauce, depending on how spicy you want it to be you can be as  liberal as you like.

4. If you have frozen lima beans now is about the time to add them to your boiling pot of garlic. Now is also the time to add your salt.

5. Let  the combination in the skillet sizzle and fill your nostrils with a wonderful smoky aroma. You want the onions to caramelize (until the onions look a little translucent) before taking them off the flame.

6. At this point the lima beans should be close to done so take the ingredients from your skillet and add them to the lima beans and garlic. Squeeze half a lime in there for flavor and let this  simmer for about 5 minutes before serving.

7. Use the rest of that lime to garnish drinks or use for tequila shots and enjoy!

Vegan Carrot Muffins (To Be Shared With A Horse)

If you're in the mood for something scrumptious and have some time on your hands try this!


Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 60-70 minutes


What you're gonna need:
3-4 large carrots
1/2 cup of vegetable oil
2 tsp. of vanilla extract
2 tsp. of molasses
2 1/2 cupsof all purpose flour
1/2 tsp. of salt
2 tsp. of cinnamon
2 pinch of nutmeg
1 tsp. baking powder


What to do:
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Blend carrots, don't overwhelm the blender slice each carrot and add one carrot at a time. Add sugar,oil,vanilla, and molasses. Don't puree this mixture just make it so it's a good mash.
3. In a bowl mix the flour, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and baking powder. Mix the wet and dry ingredients together. If you want you can add dried cranberries or raisins or nuts or all of that! Get creative!
4. Bake in a greased muffin tin or  in a 9x5 loaf pan for 60-70 minutes. Stick a fork in 'em to make sure it's not still gooey on the inside.
5. Let those babies cool before devouring them.

Personal Strife: Barbies

It has come to my recent attention that Barbie took Ken back. I know this might be old news I heard that they were talking about giving it a second go in early February and you know everyone just needs NEEDS to be boning someone on Valentines Day. Even if they are intimidated by successful women.

Seriously Barbie doesn't need that. She water skis, she's a doctor, a vet, a big sister, a firefighter, a Canadian Mountie, an astronaut, she has all these brunette friends to make her feel good about herself. She even has her own mansion which I don't really get how she can afford because student loans for vet school aren't cheap which really makes me think I should ad drug smuggler to her list of occupations. What has Ken done? He's been a pizza delivery guy, a "Campus Hero" whatever THAT means, a tennis player and like all guys was lead singer in a band.

Come on Barbie, you're supposed to be leading girls (and women slightly halted in adolescence) into a new era! Teach us that it's not ok to buy our own birthday present and his concert ticket because he's spent all the money he made working at a sandwich shop over summer on beer and weed. Teach us that we should strive for great self-gratifying careers and expect our partners to do the same. I understand that a girl needs to get some but that doesn't mean you should be spending the night in your 27 year old boyfriends bed which is RIGHT ACROSS from his mom's bedroom. And Barbie, aren't you tired of being like, expected to give oral but never ever getting it in return?

Barbie, you're hot! You could get someone who actually appreciates you and who realizes that their band thing is never going to really work out. The other day I saw Woody helping a kid and his grandma cross the street. Now THAT'S a real man and AND he's a successful actor and he's in touch with his southern/western gentlemanly roots. And with a name like Woody you should really try and get his number.

Oh Barbie, Twist n' Turn, twist n' turn.