I Saw It on the Jesus Channel (so it must be true)

   Guys, live it up on Cinco De Mayo because it might just be the last damn taco you're allowed to enjoy. On May 21st of next month Jesus is coming to town to judge all of us (how rude). There will be five months of torture and then the world will end on October 21st. He knows when we're sleeping, he knows when we're awake, he's knows if we've been good, and most certainly when we've been bad. There are some questions that come to mind, how is Jesus arriving? Should we send a car to Newark Airport to pick him up? Or can Jesus fly on his own, wingless? And judgment day, how does that work? Is he going to interview all of us individually?

Jesus: So who are you?

Me: Well, astrologically, I'm a Libra the scales you know, into balance so that defines me as kind of an idealist, a romantic which I guess is true although in this day and age the idea of love is so confusing. I thought I was in love once and maybe I was, but how do you know? I mean, think about how many oth..

Jesus: No, your name.

Me: Oh, Liz.

Jesus: Were you baptized?

Me: Oh yeah Protestant, although I have to be honest I never actually attended church. I mean I DO consider myself spiritual just not religious you know? I think just being outside and enjoying nature and people and life in general is enough to, you know...hey have you read Walt Whitman?

Jesus: No (scribbles on some holy notebook paper in Latin maybe?) Your facebook says you're an Atheist, is that true?

Me: Well, a skeptical Atheist? Ok you have to see it from my perspective, in second grade we put an ice cube on a plate in the morning it was gone that's how we learned about evaporation. You see that was easy to believe and understand, if you wanted you could watch that ice cube all night no tooth fairy or Santa Claus was going to take it. You could watch as that ice cube got smaller and smaller turning to liquid and then vapor. Hard evidence I guess is what I'm talking about, in my lifetime there's been no falsifiable hypothesis regarding your existence.

Jesus: And this earth, your body, your experiences are not evidence enough?

Me: I guess not? I see your point, no offense but my idea of God was more like the atom bomb. An artist's paint on canvas, a creation take it or leave it. Well I'll be frank, I never really expected to have a face to face conversation with God or any of his relatives. Does God have relations other than you I mean?

Jesus: (ignoring the question) What does the word "faith" mean to you?

Me: Faith, I have faith I'll wake up in the morning, have to pee, my breath will stink from what I ate the night before...no I guess that's not faith. Can you seriously expect a person to have faith with gas prices this high?

Jesus: (grunts) And where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: New Mexico with lots of dogs and horses but I guess that's up in the air because you know (gestures towards Jesus)